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Use
Filling:
Filling the bong is a
pretty straightforward affair: open a beer and
pour it on in. You may want to make a scratch at
the fill line so if you're using a keg or other
large-volume container of beer later you'll know
how much "enough" is. Let the foam settle a bit.
There is some anecdotal evidence that by wiping
one's finger along one's nose or forehead and
stirring the begreased finger in the foam it
will settle faster. While effective, this tends
to gross most folks out somewhat, so better to
do this with good friends or when everyone's too
drunk to notice. If you're not in a hurry,
hanging the bong up on a hook to sit quietly is
the best of all methods. Foam unsettles the
stomach and makes drinking it harder to finish,
so take your time. The best beer is cold and
somewhat flat to begin with: Budweiser,
Keystone, Coors, or other watery American beer
works great.
Drinking:
Drinking
the beer is a pretty cut and dry. The holder
elevates the bong at arm's length while the
receiver kneels and takes the bong into their
mouth. Certain oral sex parallels can and will
be made. Depending on the involved parties,
their drunkenness and their respective heights,
the holder may want to stand on a chair, stairs
or other elevated position. Take your time: the
bong is the single most intimidating method of
beer intake and takes a certain mental
discipline to be able to do it smoothly without
gagging or faltering. Relax, think happy
thoughts, open your throat a bit and get ready.
When it's time, make sure the valve is on the
top of the operation and let her
rip.
Common
problems:
SNARF
Many
first-timers have a jolt reaction when they suck
off the bong. Taking the rush of beer proves to
be too much for their systems and their throat
constricts or their tongue will shoot back
involuntarily in an attempt to ward off the
onrushing evil. Beer will go one of two places:
out the mouth or out the nose. If it's the
latter, it's a proper "snarf", though the term
applies loosely to the former as well. Snarfing
is incredibly painful since the old sinus
cavities are not designed to hold cold, frothy,
fermented beverages. The only solutions you have
here are to hold your nose and wait for it to
pass or to snort the beer down, or both. Don't
try to blow it out--it will only hurt
once.
Performance
Anxiety
A lot of people freak out
the first time they bong and will try to back
down. To minimize this, make sure their first
time is a positive one. Go someplace quiet and
outside the hullabaloo of the party and do a
one-on-one bong with less pressure and
distractions. Don't make anybody bong who
doesn't want to.
Failure to
finish
Sometimes it happens and
somebody can't handle the volume of beer in the
bong. The best of all possible worlds is to let
the bonger settle a moment and try to finish the
remaining batch. This is both the honorable and
most postive way of finishing. If this doesn't
work, remember that the bong is immune from
backwash and can simply be refilled for the next
participant.
Regular
cleaning:
If you aren't going to be
using your bong for a while, wash it out with
clean water and hang it up to dry. That's it! If
you can get into the habit of hanging it up to
drip-dry between uses you won't get into trouble
with the bong getting too
funky.
Care and Maintenance
Emergency cleaning:
It
happens: everybody takes a few pulls off the old
bong, it gets left in the backyard and next
weekend you pull it out only to find out that
it's become a science project. Don't panic--it's
a solvable problem. Thoroughly Rinse the bong
with hot water. The tubing will be a real bitch
and is usually the part that gets funkiest.
Close valves and fill it with a hot water and
salt solution. Let soak for an hour and rinse
out a few times with clean hot water to make
sure everything is good and sterile. Rinse it
really, really well and you're on your
way.
Long-term
maintenance:
Over time your valves may discolor and
get ugly. You can clean it pretty easily with a
little warm white vinegar. Don't use bleach
since it will make everything taste funky and is
pretty unhealthy if a little gets left behind.
If your tubing gets to smelling a bit funny, you
can let it soak overnight in a solution of
baking soda or salt and water. Over time the
vinyl may discolor a bit, but it's still
perfectly good to
use.
Have fun with your bong
and try not to get into too much
trouble.
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